Dear Bud Selig,
Today I put my rod in the water. I was fishing with hot dogs, so I wasn’t bound to catch much. I didn’t even get so much as a sniff from the fish, who are very small. The bay is calm with a gentle mist rising above slim ripples, but the fish aren’t biting. They just aren’t interested, Bud.
I’m up at a cottage in the near north of Ontario. We call them “cottages” in these parts. Elsewhere, they call them “cabins” or “houses by the lake.” The cottage is small. There are bunnies running around. Unfortunately, I don’t hunt.
Speaking of hunting, I understand that you’re about to bust a whole bunch of baseball players in the Biogenesis scandal. What a shame that these players cheated. Why would they? It’s not that tough of a game to play; you go up to the plate and you swing at the ball. And sometimes you catch the ball. In their quest for greatness they found it important to take drugs to try to cheat the system. You’ve already busted Ryan Braun. Soon you’ll bust Alex Rodriguez, or “A-Rod,” as he’s known. Many others face your axe, it seems, Bud. I’ll be interested to see who you bust. Has Melky Cabrera done enough time? It doesn’t matter. He can still hit but he can’t run. He doesn’t look juiced anymore. You can tell from his picture:
I actually don’t care that much who you suspend. Jhonny Peralta? That’d be awesome. He plays for those pain in the ass Boston Red Sox, as you know, and he can’t spell “Johnny.” Thank you for giving them the chance to pick up Julio Iglesias at the trading deadline. Otherwise, they would have been without a player. Good thinking!
The one player you can’t suspend is the greatest baseball player of all time, Munenore Kawasaki. “Muni,” as he’s known by his teammates and fans, is toiling away in Buffallo, New York, playing for the Bisons. (That should really be “Bison,” but what can you do.) Muni’s not on steroids. Maybe an MLB team will give him a chance once you bust thirty or forty steroid hounds. He deserves another chance.
Anyhoo, if you’re in the neighbourhood, Bud, please do stop in. The fishing isn’t good, but it’s good weather for hunting.
Oh–and would you please send me an autographed picture of yourself? I would appreciate it, and would put it up on my wall. None of the baseball players I’ve written to (something like 35) have responded so far. You shouldn’t so much bust these guys for being hopped up on the junk as for just plain being rude. Can you hear me, Bud?!